I Really Should Think Before I Speak

There are times when I am simply blown away by how thoughtful my son Tyler can be. Out of the blue, he will give me a drawing, a card, or a simple hug and tell me that I “make his heart happy”. Sometimes, when he doesn’t know I’m there, I will watch him play with his sister, and I am astounded by how gentle and caring he can be.

For the most part, he is a sweet little angel. For the most part. That is why I am having such a hard time comprehending why he is trying to drive me insane.

One of the hardest lessons I have learned, as a person and as a parent, is that there is a time and a place to keep my mouth closed. Never one to shy away from sharing my opinion, I have recently concluded that the time for silence is far more often than I originally thought. Whether at work or home, with friends or adversaries, resisting the urge to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind has proven quite beneficial in virtually all of my relationships.

As a parent, I feel like I spend the bulk of my time trying to keep my kids out of harms way. I encourage them to try new things and develop new interests, but when push comes to shove I feel like I am constantly saying “don’t do that”, “get down” or “be careful”. I am a real joy to be around at a park.

I seem to forget the joy of flying off of a swing or hanging upside down from the monkey bars. I spent the majority of my formative years with various bumps and bruises, and I lived. I try to stop myself, to let them have fun and fly, but I seem to have a reflex reaction to tell them to STOP. Once I have blurted out the words, my dilemma arises. If they push back, or more accurately when they say “no” or “why”, what do I do? Do I retreat, admit the ridiculousness of my request and teach them to disregard what I say? Or do I dig in, fight the good fight and end up with a house full of tears that often include my own?

In certain respects, watching what I say with the kids is easy. Real panic sets in when Andrea throws out the occasional, “do these jeans make me look fat” question.. From what I can tell, there doesn’t appear to be a right answer to this. You would think that quickly saying, “no way, they look great” would be on the right track, but you would be wrong. Apparently if you answer too quickly, you don’t care enough to sincerely evaluate the jeans. On the other hand, if by chance, you make the fatal mistake of pausing to consider how the jeans in question actually look, you might as well book a hotel room.

Every once in a while, there comes a time when I must speak my mind. With a few years of parenting under my belt, I feel like I have learned the value of keeping quiet unless the issue at hand is actually important. Or at least if I think it is important. Like sitting down for meals. Since Tyler was born, he has been physically incapable of sitting still for a complete meal. I was fairly active as a kid, so I empathize with his plight. But as his dad, getting him to sit down and eat a complete meal with his family is something I consider to be important. And so, on one fateful day over 3 years ago, I said with full parental authority, “Tyler, sit down on your bottom and eat your dinner.”

I had no idea what I was getting into at the time, but the great “sitting still at the dinner table” debate is still raging in our house. We have tried a variety of methods to get him on board, but all efforts thus far have been futile.

Once, he said that he needed a seat belt on his seat, so I quickly obliged.

Child Protective Services, if you are reading this, I assure you that this was his idea, and we all had a good laugh.

Objectively, it really is quite comical. He just can’t sit still. Within seconds, he has one cheek off the chair, then the other, then he is under the table, then he is standing on the counter. I am sure that anyone else in the world would have a nice laugh watching him dance around the dining room. As the father who is trying to get him to listen to my words, do as I say and get a healthy meal into his system – with a pinch of my own obsessive-compulsive behavior thrown in – it is driving me into the looney bin. I try, with all my might, to stay calm, but each meal typically consists of me saying “Tyler, please sit down in your seat” well over 200 times. By the 180th time, my blood pressure is well over the safety zone for someone my age.

Sometimes I find myself saying things just because my parents told them to me. It’s times like this that learning to pause for a moment, to really think about why I am about to say something, can significantly impact my overall happiness and well being. As an example, Tyler had a cold recently and he ended up with a runny nose. After he sniffed a couple of times, I told him to get a Kleenex to blow his nose. “Why?” he asked. I wanted to say “because I told you so”, but that doesn’t seem to work in my house. Instead, even though I am not a doctor, I informed him that if he didn’t stop sniffing he would get an ear infection and would have to go to the hospital. It had to be true, that’s what my parents told me when I wouldn’t blow my nose. To be safe, I threw in a “Daddy knows best” for good measure. That conversation took place about 4 months and roughly 17,218 sniffs ago.

Originally, I didn’t really care that much if he sniffed or not, but now I am locked in an epic battle of wills with a 5 year old. And I am losing. Every sniff is like a punch to my stomach. And I hear every single one. Every time we have to stop whatever we are doing, debate the importance of blowing our nose and get a Kleenex. At the end of the day, I just want him to be healthy. But now, because this has blossomed into something much bigger than it should be, I am probably less than 40 sniffs away from losing my mind.

I have tried everything I can think of to explain to him the physics behind sniffing, and how it is not good for him to do, but it has not sunk in. At one point, I even appealed to his common sense.

Tyler: – SNIFF -

Me: “Tyler, please blow your nose.”

Tyler: “Why?”

Me: “I have told you why. It isn’t good for you to keep sniffing. You need to blow your nose.”

Tyler: “I’m not trying to sniff.” – SNIFF -

Me: “Look, Tyler, why are you sniffing?”

Tyler: “Because my nose is runny.”

Me: “Your runny nose is your bodies way of getting rid of the stuff that is making you sick.”

Tyler: “EEEWWWW”

Me: “I know! So, why would you want to suck that back into your head?”

Tyler: “I don’t.”

Me: “Exactly.”

Tyler: “Thanks Daddy!”

Me: “Your welcome buddy.”

[Pause]

Tyler: – SNIFF -

I think that his sniff has stayed around for almost 4 months just to provide a growth opportunity for me. I have never heard of a sniffle lasting this long.

And, ironically, not one trace of anything wrong with his ears.

I have heard it said that silence is golden. I think, for the first time, I actually understand the implications of this statement. In many occasions, silence has given me the opportunity to really think about what I am about to say, and what the ramifications of my words might be. Sometimes I still have to say things that I don’t really want to, but I understand that I must, and I am ready for whatever comes. Other times, I have been able to catch myself from saying things that really don’t need to be said. I think there might be something to the old adage, “think before you speak”.

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